2014 and not trying

Well it’s here.

My sister is already convinced that it sucks after only five days. I am a little more reserved. I usually enjoy the beginning of a new year for all the typical reasons: “resolutions”, a fresh start, hibernating in the midst of our calendar gauntlet. This year I am more reserved. I am cautious about this year. I am not spending a large amount of time reflecting and setting goals. I’m already sick of the “X ways to trim body fat-eat organic-organize my whole life-get better at everything” mantra that revs up this time of year. It’s getting almost as bad as the over-commercialized HallowThanksMas.

I can’t quite say why that I have this quietness about me this turn. It partially due to the frenzy I have put myself through since graduation trying to “get my life on track” from all of the time in grad school that I “let things slide.”

I have been on holiday from work since December 21st. It’s been a lovely two weeks that I have done nothing, which was my goal. I originally had ideas of using that time to create new habits and rearrange my life (sound familiar?), but I ended up taking lots of naps, reading novels, and not much else. My husband and I declined all invitations. We went no where. We did little. I did think on the long term “goals”that I wanted to accomplish, but I also looked at my past success rate and the methods tried. This included scheduling (over or under, never just right), planning, thinking, starting but feeling awkward and forced. Nothing has really worked in the long term and the only unifying theme that I can discern is that I kept trying. Which leaves me to the conclusion that trying is the problem.

I don’t seem to be able to attempt something without turning it into a grand production. To tell the truth, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. And so maybe this quietness in the new year isn’t so much about laziness or resting as much as it is about not trying, about giving up that idea I had in my head of what this whole process is supposed to be like.

Now don’t misunderstand, I don’t plan on spending 2014 doing nothing and floating along in a yogic haze. But I’m just not going to try as hard. What that looks like for me is to slow down. I get so excited about every project that I take on (personal or otherwise) that I throw myself into it headlong, with endless sheets or notes, a lot of mental energy visualizing or planning, endless discussions with whomever will listen. By the time that I get to implementing, my energy is waning and I end up pulling myself through the whole thing by brute force. I’m thinking that there’s a better way. A slower way where I think about what I’m doing at a pace where I can act on it. Also at a pace where I can really decide if this is something that I really want to do, need to do, or have to do.

I want to spend this year just examining my life and it’s facets. I want to looking at what decisions I make automatically, what ideas/values I hold and where I got them from. The only way I can think of accomplishing anything is by slowing down and paying attention to it.

I have read a lot in the past few months. The ideas that have crossed my path most frequently is meditation, minimalism, mindfulness, community, connection, and spirituality. In each of these topics every one of them has discussed the importance of slowing down and paying attention. So if I had to declare a “resolution” for 2014, that’s as close as I’m going to get.