Reprogramming

I am thinking that I need to reprogram my brain. I have spent too much time dwelling on issues, and interpreting circumstances negatively. That habit means that most of the time, I walk through my day expecting and looking for its events to disappoint me. And surprise! They do and the experience becomes a giant self-fulfilling prophecy.

As an example, I found myself ruminating about an interaction my husband and I had yesterday. I had seen one of the Equinox yoga videos (this one), and during our evening bath, I shared what I thought about it. What I experienced was watching a very fit, strong, and talented woman going through morning yoga. She was clearly very advanced but the video overall gave the impression that she simply enjoyed what her body could do, and this morning session was for her to just experience that. No distractions, nothing fancy other that her skills. I identified with this because for a decent portion of my childhood, I could do these things. I could balance on my hands with my feet dangling various places in the air, and I learned to tuck them in and hang over in crow. I learned it for the sheer curiosity of it and because I wanted to do it. And when I learned to, I enjoyed it and did it because I could.

This did not come across during my husband’s and my conversation. His comments started with sexual attractiveness and desire, moved to criticism of the shape of her belly, and ended with how the video didn’t matter because she was a professional. I was so disappointed.

I spend moments periodically today going over everything from my feminist revulsion at his response, my disappointment with his dismissal and overall attitude, to the difference in our perceptions. Nothing in this reflection was positive. And I have not drawn the exchange as positive here either. The conversation doesn’t seem that it has much to work with, but I didn’t try. Nor did I dismiss the conversation.

But my rumination was not productive either. His overall reaction to this video was sexist and negative, and I don’t excuse that. My response has been nothing but a rehashing of the conversation and the ways I would like to defend feminism or insist on recognizing me as I connected to the video. I did not separate myself from the response I had. I didn’t allow myself to experience the video with contentment or joy as something I used to do. I didn’t allow the experience (the conversation, the video, my reaction, anything) to build me up. I used it to pick something and someone apart, in the end it only picked me apart. It ceased to have its own meaning as a video about yoga, and became a tool to pick at other things.

And in some way, it made me realize how much I have internalized and now act on these negative habits. This realization makes me question how much contentment can I expect to find if I don’t allow myself to experience it? How much happiness can I experience if I don’t give it room to exist? And I wonder how much of this negativity feeds into other areas of my life. Does it affect my chronic tiredness? Does it affect my choices, like diet? Does it contribute to the pains and stiffness I feel in m body constantly now?

I don’t have answers to these, but I fall back to my father’s assessment of me as a child. He told me I was happy. I was active and liked to play. In someways I feel like I have lost that, and I feel deeply that this creeping negativity is associated, if  not responsible, for the opposite result as an adult. And so I return to the idea that if I want to have a contented life, I need to address this issue. It won’t be easy as I currently feel surrounded by it, but I acknowledge that that very thought could simply be a result of perception and bias. Still, I can be deeply unhapy with the life I have right now. If I am honest about this, then I am letting this negativity overshoadow all the good that I have in my life.

Its a serious brain balance issue. I really believe that I would like to have my brain be able to balance on its hands once again.