Emotional wish list

I’m feeling better today. In addition to the moodiness I was working on a headache for the latter half of the day. I went to bed, slept poorly, and went to gym this morning anyway.

But I started to change during the gym session. It started with me giving myself permission to not do anything strenuous. I still had the headache. I wasn’t my best. The point was not to worry about whether or not I was getting my money’s worth or putting in a gold star performance. Because of this little change in attitude, I was able to see that I’ve been hard on myself and I need to back off. There was a ton of inward dialogue that I hadn’t noticed. I was telling myself I wasn’t working out often enough, well enough. I was eating poorly and letting everything be an excuse to shortcut. I was not a good wife, not a good mother. Not a good much.

And you know what. Today I still feel like I’m wearing sausage casing instead of pants. I’m bloated for a dozen reasons only some of which I control. But that’s fine. I don’t need to be in competition. That’s what these things really are. I couldn’t tell you who I compare myself to. Maybe its just the generic, “ideal” woman that I have some sort of vision of “out there.”

It’s a stupid idea and I fall for it just like so many others. But having some time at the gym, giving myself permission to do what I wanted and not succumb to pressure was just enough to get a crack in the thoughts. From there, a little bit of sanity can creep in.

And that led me to thinking of things that really mattered. Things that I really want. It started with the self care list, but that only focuses on me and doesn’t account for the fact that I live with other people, that I work with other people. So more of the emotional wish list includes:

• a partner who is willing to go on adventures with me and have fun
• friends I can be open with and go on adventures with
• work that is fulfilling
• family that is supportive of each other

I think a big part of this list is that my family struggles with fun and adventure right now. There are parts of our life that is so serious. Another complication is that our children are in the process of becoming adults, and that is an painful, rough adjustment for all of us. They don’t know who they are, and despite their capabilities, there is a lot of insecurity around that. I want all of our lives to be fun. I feel that this is a signficant gap.

That leads me to wonder what my role is. Yes, I have all these titles, but what part of fun and adventure am I responsible for. Answering this question isn’t as simple as just planning events. There is the attitude behind them. The atmostphere that surros them. And the constant fight against the distraction of technology. I don’t know if anyone else in my family sees this problem. If not, does this make it my responsibility because I, alone, see it?

Wherever the answer lies, I know it isn’t where I am now. My life has beenfocused on my job and adjusting to a new lifestyle. I feel that for this emotional well being to take place and for the scales to balance out through the family, I need to find small steps to take action on.