Unproductivity

Another day gone, and another day that I judge myself to be unproductive. I own up to the idea that the issue that I am having is psychological. So many aspects of my life feel out of control. I am entering into year two and instead of having a better idea of what to do, I have a worse idea. I suffer from the problem of having so many ideas that it becomes hard to say no. I also have the problem of execution. I find myself getting lost in low payout tasks or being distracted by email.

There is a larger question of why do I feel this way. Part of it is that it is absolutely true what they say about this institution- everyone is fiercely independent. It’s not that I can’t collaborate, people often do. But the communication and mentorship is spotty and impersonal. Not-being tenure track makes mentorship non-existant. And there are several adminstrative positions open that need to be filled in order to be able to provide direction and leadership.

But these feelings of unproductiveness also are linked to my personal feelings of inadequacy. The lurking impostor is just behind me, whispering. I worry that if I can’t deliver on everything that I would like to (much less what I set out in my goals), then I will be judged as inadequate. Add on to that the fact that there is so much to do, that I freeze and do nothing.

So part of the answer is to begin internally. I need to be able to walk into work and be confident. I need to make concrete boundaries around what I need to get done, and what my capacity is to do work. I was not allowed to protect time on my calendar and that bugs me, but I think the bigger issue is the ability to prioritize properly. The other part of the answer it to believe in a sense of wholeness. I feel fragmented and part of this is due to my own mental machinations. Meditation and yoga will help. These are skills that will reattune my sense of self-awareness and create a healthy core, mentally and physically.

So that’s where I am. In two weeks, classes start and I have a lists that I can prioritize. I need to remember that tomorrow is its own day.