Values

It is an interesting coincidence that in therapy we are just started to work on values. Without going into the necessity of therapy, the values study is a piece of acceptance and committment therapy. The idea of this therapy is to base our actions on our values in order to live fully. What I am discovering is that values are more simple and more complicated than I expect. The simple view is that values are what we desire and want most in our life. The complicated view is how do we distinguish a “want” as a somthing fundamental and important versus a “want” that is superficial and unimportant. And by the way, values certainly can change over time.

I was still working on deciphering what this meant for me when I was directly challenged. A big purchase is going to be made. The question of whether it should happen has already been decided, not by me, and not with any of my input. This has been deeply hurtful. It’s my opinion that this decision was not based in fact, but in anecdotal “evidence” and modern myth. And so, I’m not happy about it and I’m not acting happy about it. I’m being consult after the fact about my opinion on superficial apsects of the purchase.

This scenario has created tension and, what I understand now, is that it is coming from the difference in values. Setting aside the blatant disregard for my input in the purchase decision, I’m now supposed to be happy and willing to make superficial choices with a cheerful demeanor.

Nope. Not happening. The value of the person who made the unilateral decision is one of “This is past it’s useful life. Time to replace.” There is nothing wrong with that value, but it is not my value. My value is “Use it until it is all done and nothing else can be gotten out of it, then replace.” But the other party, now that the decision has been made, wants me to be cheerful and cooperative when executing based on his value. Ultimately, this means he want’s his value to replace, supercede, or otherwise take over my value, as mine was dismissed.

There’s been no conversation about this. No questions as to why I’m cold about the whole indeavor. At this point I’m not going to initiate one either. The decision has been made. I wasn’t a part of it and I’m hurt and I’m acting hurt. I’m not going to appologize for that, nor am I going to fake cheerfullness just to make it easier. This will plod along to its inevitable conclusion of purchasing the thing I don’t think we need (or that I’m comfortable doing until I’m on a more stable funding line at work. A point that was previously agreed upon and now thrown out the window. Even the “wait until year end” has been discarded.). I feel that my only “choice” now is to just get it over with rather than have strained, combative conversations for the next several months.

So when I go to my therapist in the coming month. We get to have the conversation about what good are values if they aren’t being respected? What kind of values can I work toward when they are susceptable to willing or unwilling compromise?