Looking

I made a small realization earlier this week: I don’t actually look at what I’m doing.

For the longest time I have been struggling, trying to figure out why I can’t seem to get on track with productivity and maintaining focus. Part of the trouble has been determining priorities and adjusting to faculty expectations. But the other part has been strictly intrinsic motivation and personal habits.

In this second part, I have read seemingly all the literature and posts on identifying habits, creating structures, managing calendars and email. Despite this, I have not had a consistent track record of being able to maintain focus. I identified mindfulness as a means of shaping some of these personal traits;  but at times, the practice felt inadequate. I forget what led me to this, but the realization above was startling. It was a symptom, an indicator of where my attention was at any given time.

I started to pay more attention to what I was looking at during various tasks and what I was thinking at the time. I found that when I was brushing my teeth, I was not looking at my teeth, brushing instead by feel. I was thinking about the next task, getting the dogs for their final break or washing my face instead of what I was doing. I found that I was fumbling the toothpaste cap or my toothbrush, or reaching for something when I was already holding something else.

This innocuous bit of inattention was present in almost all of my day. I would be filling out my work tracking sheet while looking at my email, cooking while making lists of other housework, answering a online reference question and opening instruction documents. A slight of hand trick of multitasking in two states of existance. My mind would decide that since a particular task was already started, it didn’t need attention or supervision and would move my gaze to the next thing I was thinking of.

Now that I notice the habit, it’s more than irritating, expecially in graceful moments when I spill down my shirt, trip on the sidewalk, or drop anything. But it was an important realization to make. Now that I understand that there is a physical component, I can tune into it. I can pull my gaze back to what I’m doing.

So far it hasn’t been easy. My mind wants to move onto other things. It wants my physical and mental attention split. However, I find that when I do match where I’m looking to what I am doing, and ultimately what I’m thinking, then I naturally slow down. I most times feel immediately more mindful and centered. Such a simple change.

So this is what I’m working on now. Not getting ahead of myself in thinking versus doing. Perhaps I’ll save a couple of shirts in the bargin.