Gentleness

One of the things that I have gained by reading a book on creativity is the idea of being gentle. Yesterday I wrote of the larger picture of creativity. Inevitably, there comes a period where creativity is absent.  I like that she puts these periods as droughts rather than blocks. She goes on to explain that crativity exists in cycles and with gentle action, the cycle will progress and work can begin again.

I had a hard time identifying with this at first because I don’t consider myself a working artist. Even as a hobbist, another label I don’t quite attach to, I am not producing art and I have a hard time completing projects. Because I didn’t feel that I was an artist because I wasn’t doing anything, the arguement that I was having a creative drought seemed impossible.

Despite all that, I couldn’t ignore the message. The behaviors she outlined described me. I don’t think that it is as important where I am in the creative cycle, or if I have ever completed a cycle.

The realization that this could apply to me opened a crack in my armor as well. In times of creative drought the recommended approach is gentleness. Little actions instead of grand endeavors are a softer way to exist. She emphasizes that little bits of daily effort shifts the expectations from large to small. But the concept of gentleness affected me outside of creative work also. I began to see other areas where I was not gentle with myself. There are many areas of my life where I have had high expectations. This has resulted in a damaging amount of judgement. I have seen it in my attitude toward the gym and fitness. If I wasn’t working out the ideal number of days and and the ideal intensity, then I judged myself as slacking. If I wasn’t keeping up with everthing I had planned in my work week, I had failed. If I didn’t get all my prep work done on the weekend, then I was inadequate.

By reading this book, I was reminded that everything is OK and my standards don’t have to be sky high. In fact, this maybe what is hindering me rather than helping. The psychological weight it takes to carry that all the time is one. The  preoccupation that takes me out of the present is another. And to wrap it up would be the hounding feeling that not reaching these standards means that I was wasting my time, the most precious part of life.

Even writing that paragraph was stressful. I can feel the emotion rising in me. I can’t carry that kind of judgement around any more. I know I judge others as well. I’m certain I carry it into my relationships.

I don’t think I would have recognized this a few months ago. I am not foolish enough to believe that a simple realization is enough to solve the problem. This has become a mental habit. But while reading, I loosened a bit. I started being gentle with myself. I stopped telling myself I was bad for not going to the gym and recognizing that I was exercising more by biking to work. I stopped telling myself that my efforts weren’t making a difference and recognizing that I was making an effort rather than not doing anything. I haven’t quite stopped fretting about my workload and scheduling, but I have tried to remember that I have finite capacity. I also have enough of my own ideas and opportunities, that I am starting to feel that I can say no. I am getting to a point where I feel I can shape my work some.

Gentleness is an appealing idea. I expect that the process will have other side effects, like making me a less intense co-worker, a more amiable wife and mother.