Indecision

I’ve always had a slight problem with indecision. I read somewhere that I likely has something to do with being a Libra. Another theory is that I have bought into a couple of cultural beliefs. One is the culture of scarcity, in this case time. Second is the impulse to make sure to get the best deal possible. Whatever the reason, I feel making decisions is a act that should be carefully considered, and once done, not retracted or changed.

I can make quick decisions when the options are polarized, or when I have lots of clear information. Other than that, I will ruminate far longer, I suspect, than the return on investment warrants. Couple that with the inertia against getting started and I’m lucky to get anything done.

Today is no real exception. I have dinner decided but that’s it for this evening. I brought something home if I feel like working. I also could be writing something, walking the dog, starting on the home purge, watching a movie (I’m thinking about View from the Top), working on a sewing project I’ve started, making Mario levels in Mario maker, or reading one of several books I own but haven’t read yet.

I don’t have a drive to do anything in particular. I have trouble embracing the idea that I don’t have to have every part of my day filled with something. And something about this indecisiveness is high up in my consciousness to be thinking of it and writing about it. But even then, I don’t know what I would want the goal to be. At forty years old, is it a good use of my time to make me less indecicive?

For today, I will figure something out. Chances are it will be a non-issue anyway as I have three dogs, a husband and son whose actions will influence the path my actions take. And perhaps it’s better not to overthink. I have suspected for a bit now, that my frustrations on creativity and life might be blocked by undue navel gazing. I’m certainly not living my life if I’m sitting here thinking and analyzing it. And if I take a look at my list, nothing on it warrants excessive scrutiny. Despite thinking about it, I don’t know that the analysis makes the decision, once eventually made, any more satisfying or offer a sense of security.

And in all this writing, that was the little golden nugget that I was looking for. That I am looking for security or satisfaction in my decisions. That by careful consideration, I will be guaranteed a certain experience level on the back end. It’s clear now. So the next step is like to minimizing decision fatigue. It’s not the number that I need to worry about (although maybe. I haven’t looked). It’s the time spend trying to control the outcome. And that time can be redirected when I’m spending too much of it on decisions that don’t have potential for impact in my life. Somehow I got lost in every decision being important because when aggregated, they become a significant volume. Maybe I don’t need to spend that energy.

(Unaltered photo by Steve Harwood available by CC BY-NC 2.0)