Health,  Mental Maintenance,  Uncategorized

Joy and Peace

This is the non-fiction I have been reading for months.

  • Rising Strong by Brené Brown
  • The Sound of Paper by Julia Cameron
  • Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist
  • Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Get Some Headspace by Andy Puddicombe
  • Savor by Shauna Niequist
  • The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Mari Kondo
  • Meditation is boring? Putting Life Into Your Spiritual Practice by Linda Johnsen
  • Syllabus: Notes from an Accidental Professor by Lynda Barry
  • How to Be Happy, Dammit: A Cynic’s Guide to Spiritual Happiness by Karen Salmansohn
  • The Art of Stillness: Adventures in Going Nowhere by Pico Iyer (recently gifted)
  • Ashtanga Yoga: the Practice Manual by David Swenson (recently gifted)
  • The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload by Daniel Levitin
  • The Mindful Diet: How to Transform Your Relationship with Food for Lasting Weight Loss and Vibrant Health by Beth Reardon

Some of these books I have read before. Others I am just getting through for the first time. Still more or waiting on the shelves and haven’t made the list. Several of these get tucked into my commuter bag to read on the train. I have piles on the bed side table and the end table that passes for my office in the living room. The follow me around like ghosts. I take a small stack with me to baths with my husband. If find myself reading bits and pieces of them, but rarely the whole thing. I don’t find what I need in the pages. I’m not engaged and so I pick up the next one and start again, eventually circling around to pick up where I left off once I’ve made it through the roster.

This is not my normal reading habit. But then again, I don’t feel like I am living my normal life. I have acquired chronic (to my definition) headaches. I weigh more than I have at any point in my life, including both pregnancies. I feel inflexible in my body and get sore and achy at times. I feel physically tired all the time. I can’t keep my thoughts on task– doesn’t matter if it is work, home, or casual conversations on the rare times I go out. I find myself being judgmental toward strangers and their choices of plastic grocery bags. I have lamented more than once the loss of my creativity. I have hangups about food and sex. I feel that I have to defend my feelings and actions from my family and I don’t feel like I can be vulnerable to them. When I get in arguments with my husband, I am moody and withdrawn for days, if not weeks. I feel that I am hurrying all the time. I don’t feel that I can keep up with my work calendar and all the miscellaneous tasks of my job. I find myself clenching my jaw, my pen in hand, my fist at meetings for no apparent reason. I never truly feel rested. I don’t get enough sleep. I don’t get outside enough. I feel alone and friendless.

Clearly there is something wrong. I suspect that it is time to get back into a therapist. I suspect that all the reading is me searching for something. Searching for the magic bullet that will make this all go away. Searching for the one thing I have to do or habit I need to master to make my life fall back into place. And yet, I know it doesn’t work that way. The books used to give me a quick fix. Each one leaves me with a refreshed feeling. I read and reread to get that feeling back again. Only this time it isn’t working.

Nothing else is either. I have had endless summer projects and ones that are waiting for the winter. I have coloring books with half finished pictures. An embroidery project started (for the second time) that is still sitting on it’s frame. I manage to bake, but then I have to bring it to work in order to not eat the whole thing myself. Even then I give into the temptation quickly.

I spent a significant portion of my morning getting this out onto paper. It was hard to articulate. The funny thing is I know what I want; I just feel my life is so far from it. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with my life. I have a home, family, puppies, food, job, and more. There is nothing I need in my life. These are all things that I have chosen and I don’t want to jettison any of it. I just want to feel differently about it. I want to feel at ease in my life. I want to be confident in myself and know where my boundaries are and not be constantly questioning my perceptions. I want to be able to be have conflicts that don’t down me for days. I want to feel comfortable in my body, no matter the size or shape. I want to be able to feel healthy in my mind and be able to be focused, productive, and creative. I want to feel joy and peace most of all.

And this is why I think that I need to get back to therapy. I don’t have perspective on these things. They are all bigger than me. Also they are intertwined in such a way that I can’t see the strands and where they are coming from or what they are getting tangled with. I need help I don’t feel that I can do this on my own. Most of all, I am just tired of living like this. I know I don’t have to because there have been previous times in my life that I have felt joy and peace. At this point, at best, I see glimmers. I want more than that.

 

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