Clarity

I’ve been sick for almost a week. Last week started with a sore throat late Friday and becoming a lingering annoyance Saturday. By Sunday I was feeling the full effects, aches and raw, painful swallowing. It’s now Thursday and I have been drugging myself for days to be functional. Chloraceptic in the beginning, moving to ibuprofen for the aches. These last two days have ended with sinus-induced, blistering headaches, incompletely managed through hot compresses and the serious drugs.

Between the pain and the side effects of drugs, I haven’t slept well in days. Being overstimulated is generally bad for my anxiety. Over the years I have learned to recognize that some overstimulation can be ridden out and not have the full-blown anxiety attacks that go with them. But the consequence of that is I sit up at night wih medication-induced squirrel brain. Such was the case last night.

At about one in the morning I finally gave in, dressed in my bathrobe, and wandered down to the living room. I had spent three hours tossing and going over various work itineraries and task lists in my head. I figured I might as well write it all down. Forty-five minutes later I had an outline of what I needed to complete for the day, an overflow list for Friday, a potential set of questions to propose for restructuring our data management strategic plan, a two step plan for building liaison relationships and simultaneously getting resource use information from my faculty, a preliminary sketch of concepts and data to get for data managment research on lab personnel structures, and lastly, a single page manifesto on the intentions I want to set in approaching my work. Now that I see that all written out, I’m simultaneously surprised at the amount that was circulating and unsprised that I couldn’t settle enough to sleep.

I used to be a devoted adherent to the Morning Pages activity by Julia Cameron. While I was still learning to manage my anxiety, it became a lifeline to get what I was thinking and feeling out of my physical body. I have read much of what Cameron has written, and in one of her reflections she remarks that typically in the process of writing Morning Pages, a moment of clarity comes. In my experience, she is right. In a rare instance, the “manifesto” I wrote last night seemed entirely clear.

The first paragraph is my desire and intention to work calmly and steadily. The purpose is to remove myself from the frantic, scattered, reactive mode and create mental circumstances of thoughtful productivity.

The second paragraph is to remember that this intention is linked to a positive attitude and that I need to be supportive and empathetic to my colleagues, without appropriating or internalizing drama. It is also a reminder that I can be a servant leader in this way.

The last paragraph is the intention to create structure that supports the first two paragraphs. That is necessary to define my area of practice for myself and to define boundaries. I close that paragraph with the idea that I also can be a leader and example of the possiblility of working in calm productivity.

I felt immediately better after writing writing it. I am thinking that it might be best to polish it a bit an have it printed at my desk as a daily reminder. I have my performance review tomorrow and am tempted to show it to my