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Accomplishment
In the midst of an current pandemic, I am happily ensconced in my home, surrounded with dogs and navigating working remotely. The past weeks have been stressful, so much so that I had the worst anxiety attack that I’ve had in years, amid a conference, and during the discovery that I can’t actually tolerate high altitude — at all. Thank you to all of you who checked up on me for the past week or so. So, this pandemic has been the best thing to happen to me, but for all the wrong reasons. For the next several weeks, I don’t have a four hour commute; I don’t have to…
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I’m here
It’s been a minute since I posted here. I hadn’t actually realized it had been so long. As I round out 2018 and consider that my last post was in December of 2016, I understand what happened. 2017 was catastrophic. Around the time of the last post, I was still reeling from the election, completely unmoored by the discovery that a portion of the population was massively disconnected from the common good. Shortly after, it was discovered that my mother’s winter illness was not actually her typical seasonal, breathing challenges, but actually an aggressive form of leukemia. This would lead to her steep decline and eventual death early in 2017.…
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Time
I’m supposed to be thinking about time more. In my previous life on the bench, my daily life was dictated by my timer. Some days were scheduled almost down to the second, assays and tasks lined up one after another. But when I left that, I left a lot of my schedule behind. I find that I still need that structure. I tend to not pay attention to time at all. I constantly over or under estimate how long something will need to take. The tasks I have now don’t come with protocols or instruction sheets with the timing outlined. To add to the problem, there are fewer clocks in…
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Looking
I made a small realization earlier this week: I don’t actually look at what I’m doing. For the longest time I have been struggling, trying to figure out why I can’t seem to get on track with productivity and maintaining focus. Part of the trouble has been determining priorities and adjusting to faculty expectations. But the other part has been strictly intrinsic motivation and personal habits. In this second part, I have read seemingly all the literature and posts on identifying habits, creating structures, managing calendars and email. Despite this, I have not had a consistent track record of being able to maintain focus. I identified mindfulness as a means…
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Reading and Realizations
I have this tendency to binge read. A few weeks ago I picked up some cookbooks because I was looking for different food and to prepare for my sisters cookbook club. I was also interested in Cameron Diaz’s Longevity book. I tend to dismiss celebrity books of all kinds, except for the occasional auto-biography. But an interview with here in a medical magazine discussed how she and her co-writer use genuine curiosity and interviews with doctors to drive the book and put it together. So I picked up both of her books. Tara Stiles has a new book on yoga and movement. I liked her previous one so I looked…
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Adjectives
I’ve been working on values and what exactly they are and what they mean to me. The guiding definition is a state of being that I am continuously working toward. Goals, by contrast, are achievements along the way. This definition is startling because it flips aspects of personal growth. I have read countless articles and media click-bait about how to achieve goals. What I’m learning is that the goals aren’t really the point. This concept made sense once I was challenged by “what happens when the goal is achieved?” The goals becomes a checkmark; that’s all. There’s no other interaction with them. I can achieve them, then what? Values are…
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Clarity
I’ve been sick for almost a week. Last week started with a sore throat late Friday and becoming a lingering annoyance Saturday. By Sunday I was feeling the full effects, aches and raw, painful swallowing. It’s now Thursday and I have been drugging myself for days to be functional. Chloraceptic in the beginning, moving to ibuprofen for the aches. These last two days have ended with sinus-induced, blistering headaches, incompletely managed through hot compresses and the serious drugs. Between the pain and the side effects of drugs, I haven’t slept well in days. Being overstimulated is generally bad for my anxiety. Over the years I have learned to recognize that…
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Direction
My last entry was over a month ago. I hadn’t realized that the time slipped by. I also didn’t realize that my Grandmother’s thank you letter from Christmas was sitting under my insurance renewal papers. I’m on the express train home because it’s my husband’s birthday. We’ll see what the mood is like when I get there. His birthdays are starting to take the flavor of self-fulfilling prophecies. The specific flavor I can’t get into in this forum, lack of readership or not. One thing has been true more often than not. It’s snowing. It seems to do that on his birthday. But aside from the home drama, not much…
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Joy and Peace
This is the non-fiction I have been reading for months. Rising Strong by Brené Brown The Sound of Paper by Julia Cameron Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert Get Some Headspace by Andy Puddicombe Savor by Shauna Niequist The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Mari Kondo Meditation is boring? Putting Life Into Your Spiritual Practice by Linda Johnsen Syllabus: Notes from an Accidental Professor by Lynda Barry How to Be Happy, Dammit: A Cynic’s Guide to Spiritual Happiness by Karen Salmansohn The Art of Stillness: Adventures in Going Nowhere by Pico Iyer (recently gifted) Ashtanga Yoga: the Practice Manual by David Swenson (recently gifted) The…
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Day in Review Tuesday, September 22, 2015
My brain threatens to make this entry a list of all the things to get done. It’s tempting simply because it’s such a habit. I’m on the long train home, I had to take drugs to get through the morning. What happened in between wasn’t as productive as I would like. Freedom can be a dangerous thing. I did get a walk in the late morning though, just from one side to another, but it was enough. For now, I think I will try to get another module of my IRB training done. Past that I will work on ideas for NNWM. My husband would like me to write something…