Mindset

I seem to be consistent with only posting annually. Not the schedule I had planned or anticipated. But life more consistently had other plans than I could make time here. There has been many family hospitalizations, ongoing cancer care, a death — none related to one another. And that’s just the healthcare related items. The consequence is that there is a lot of mental, emotional, and physical work that just haven’t made it possible for me to be here.

The other issue is that I keep wanting to make this space “a thing.” I have kept this space for myself because the Internet is important and I believe that individual voices are important. This is a place that, to the degree that I have the skill and willingness, I have control. Some of this has been outsourced out of necessity and compromise, but it’s still my domain (literally). But I don’t know what I want it to be. I used to write easily. I read more people and their voices and realize that mine has atrophied. I caution myself that I also have a public persona that needs to be taken into consideration. And my inner critic chastizes me for starting too many sentences with “I.” There are not themes, no purpose, and no vision.

I have ideas. Execution isn’t even the problem. It’s more a problem that everything that I tend to do, I turn into a project. I can’t just have a corner of the Internet where I have random thoughts. I have to have a theme, and curate photos (taken by me), and lift marginalized voices, and be eclectic, weird, and interesting, and showcase all my hobbies or interests, and maintain a professional preference.

So where does that leave me? I spent entirely too much time updating things on the back end before even getting to this post. I did find the (new?) option to post by email, so that may make posting easier. I activated the newsletter feature but without SubStack, Medium, or some other platform, will I even get engagement (do I want that?).

Psychologically, I know that motivation comes after action not before. Perhaps it’s best not to have goals right now. Life, globally and personally, is a mess. I attended meeting where the speaker said that we need to approach these times as if we are in a disaster, not as if we are weathering a storm just passing through. The effects of the current administration aren’t going to be marginal or reversible. They will be broad, catastrophic, and take decades to repair requiring time and capital (both human and financial). She was speaking of the effects on academia but no sector is unaffected.

Changing to this mindset might be a better approach overall, which means that for this site and the other facets of my life, I have some thinking to do.