NNWM 2015 Day 4

So I said that I would participate in NNWM this year and I am — sort of. I always like the idea of this project. This year I have a story line even. But I can;t seem to get any momentum behind it. I open a file and I sit there. I know the point is to just write, but nothing happens. I feel dried up.

This feeling is interesting because I know my past hasn’t been that way. I was able to write with various degrees of ease. Right now, writing is the hardest it’s ever been for me. I know what it feels like to just have the words pass through, like a conduit. I know what’s it’s like to have to drag each one into the light as well. This feels like neither of these. It feels like nothingness.

Part of this probably has to do with my general health and mental state. At this time I am a reasonably healthy adult. No major illnesses or conditions. However, compared to my previous history, I feel that I am in a decline. I am heavier, sluggish, inflexible, with a howler monkey brain with headaches. My attention seems to be fixated on solving those problems before they turn into chronic illnesses.

In one way this is good. My lack of productivity is forcing me to face that “winning” NNWM may not happen and that is OK. But while I say that here in digital words, my brain is tinged with failure and shame. After all, it is only day four and I could catch up. I’m going to try and ignore that part of my brain.

For now, I will continue to stare at the page. I will do some coloring and get housework done and figure out how to accomplish all that I need to get done at work.